40k is inherently the sport of men. So when your little boxes of plastic army guys come in the mail from the toy store, put your shit together RIGHT.
your mother's jewish lawyer: I'm going to stop you right there and insist we put in a disclaimer.
your mother: no shit. is this what i'm paying you $175 an hour for.
ymjl: First, we need to be in a normal sized font.
your mother: uh
ymjl: Second, you need to put it before your little "Instructional."
your mother: why
ymjl: So people can't say, "I only read half the article and didn't see the disclaimer."
your mother: see, i don't know if i'd use the term article. more like mind-to-type-ass-stew
H0-M0: 1(R) GA/Y
ymjl: Third, you need to state explicitly, "Don't try this at home."
your mother: ok, done
ymjl: No, you need to say it.
your mother: This is really starting to detract from shit
ymjl: ...
your mother: "If you are stupid enough to actually do what I say, you deserve anything that happens to you."
ymjl: No, exactly like I said.
your mother: FUCK!
ymjl: I have a conference call in ten minutes.
your mother:
Don't try this at home.
ymjl: There, not so bad.
your mother: i fucking hate you
ymjl: I just preemptively saved you from a $200,000 personal injury liability suit.
your mother: j/k! i love you Farby
ymjl: Don't call me that.
How to put your toys together
like a fuckin' man!
1. Get out your clippers Break out the x-acto knife. Make sure it has a super sharp, new blade on it. Or an old rusty one. Whatever.
2. Gently clip your miniatures from the sprue Use your knife to cut shit out as quick as your can, before the wife nags you to do something or the kids find you holed up in the dark storage room.
3. Use sufficient amounts of hobby glue to stick your miniatures together Like he said. If you get glue on your hands or stick your fingers together, use your x-acto knife to shave the shit off. Don't touch your dick with glue hands. Personal experience.
4. Miniatures can be assembled as standard, or use different parts and your clippers to customize or "convert" your model Do you always do what the man says, tool? Don't read instructions. In fact, if you assembled them like they look on the box, go stand in the corner now.
5. If you need to cut a plastic part, make sure the part is firmly held on a cutting mat, and that your fingers are clear of any knife used. Use light, gradual pressure until a uniform cut is achieved. Hold your shit in one hand to get a good fucking grip, then use the knife to cut it. PRESS HARD and cut TOWARDS YOU, you pussy. Come on, what's the worst that can happen.
6. Assemble your conversion as above, and bask in the fruits of your labor. FUCK! Goddammit, how the fuck did I cut myself. Shit. No, it's ok. Wait. Goddammit, that's deep. Ok, maybe I should go get stitches. Only cause I still need my fingers to use power tools and feel titties.
7. Tell your wife you're going to the ER. Convince her that you're not going to die, and even if you did she'd prolly be better off.
8. Get your shits stitched after applying pressure to your filleted fingers for like two fucking hours while watching "Friends" reruns in the waiting room (omg Joey lol), and sitting right next to some kid coughing his fucking lungs out. Why the shit do doctors think they need Sundays off to golf, Tiger Woods can't stitch this shit, come on already!
9. Wait a week to remove your own stitches with your blood stained, rusty x-acto knife.
10. When the $450 ER bill comes in the mail, throw it to the floor in a swearing fit that will make your 2 year old blush.
11. Resentfully glare at your fingers the rest of your life because they aren't that Chaos Warhound Titan you wanted to get.
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hahahahahahaha fuck you |
