The nerd disease

The French have syphilis.  Americans have 1/4#eritis.  Black people have sickle cell.  And if born in Africa, just plain bad luck.  Nerds are fucking whiners.  Every single nerd everywhere.  Except you.  Q: why the fuck do nerds always gotta contradict.  A: mystery.  Just to clarify, your mother is not a nerd.  Nerds play nerd games cause they like them.  I play nerd games cause it makes me look fuckin' badass in a cape.  Difference!  Actually, mystery solved:

Contradiction  =  Nerd Pussy

The act of being right as the result of a contradiction  =  Nerdgasm

Having other nerds acknowledge your nerdgasm  =  Priceless 

Nerds chase contradictions like a normal man chases pussy.  Why else do you think sites exist where nerds jump on each other like rapist dogs trying to rape other dogs.  No, not you, man, I'm talking about that asshole that always contradicts you.  Like this dicktard:




BOLS LOLS



This fucking idiot took it upon himself to interject in an otherwise perfectly eloquent whinefest.  You might say he stuck his truth-penis into their argument-vaginas.  Also, why does every nerd have to say 'acutally' when they argue.  If you ever say actually again go ahead and punch yourself in the dick.  Actually, the most fucking annoying thing a nerd can do is one up.  Why you always gotta one up a brotha. 



If it looks like a penis and tastes like a penis,
your uncle prolly just painted his dick green
with white polka dots and a couple of eyes



But why would your mother want to alienate this dumb site's audience?  Answer:  Aliens are fucking cool.  No one argues with an alien.  And no one reads this site.  I don't even read this horrible shit.  In reality when I write I'm actually jacking it blindfolded with a fist up my ass while banging my head into the keyboard and punching myself in the dick, and by some massive fucking coincidence this shit comes out legible.  How's that for ya, George Noory?        

Next time a nerd wants to have nerd sex with your nerd pussy and nerdgasm on your avatar, be the bigger man and just lay there and let him. 

Fuck Birthers, I'm a Spacer

Which sadly has nothing to do with marijuana.  Yes, Obama is American, blah blah, I'm bored already.  I'm so over it, and I'm taking this shit hyperdimensional.  Quasi-anal.  To the next level.  OuTeR fUcKiNg SpAcE!  Yes, you read me.  I am a Spacer.  I just copyrighted that too, so Trump omfgstfu and pays me already.

It's not that I don't believe Hizzy O'bizzy is American, I just don't think that his soul is of this planet.  As the Constitution clearly states, "...all African Americans, other minorities, and especially women, must be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be of this earth to be prez, and any other shit I decide on later.*"  Sure, now we know for 169% certain that Mr. O was vaginally expelled in Hawyi**, but how do we know that an alien soul didn't enter baby O'bizzy's body at some point before or after his placental eviction, thus making him unable to legally be president?  Fucking seriously dude.

See, I'm a Scientologist***, so awesome theories like this come naturally to me, and as negatives can never be proven****, and neither can shit that can't be proven, so I am therefore automatically right.  Now Christianity, that is 100% provable.  Check your bible.  Not that version, the other one.

   

Also, PROVE THIS!

1.  Show me your dick.  I'm not gay, just c'mon.
2.  Prove to me Obama's evil twin did not rape then eat the real Obama in the womb.
3.  Also I would like to see Obama's ID and proof of insurance.  I'm not racist or profiling, but a black man in a motorcade being willingly protected by white people and one Latino, when does that really happen.
4.  If Obama is the reincarnated ghost of Lincoln, you owe me $10 and a sloppy hander.


* Right after the part where it dictates the creation of crack cocaine and inner city slums, "the man," and "keepin' the brothas down" in invisible ink that can only be read by white people
**I'm no Gerald Celente, but I predict a book bomb by Jerome Corsi, and they can both suck it
*** Absolutely 100% not a Scientologist
****Fuck, why is my light off.  I mean not on. 

Knock knock. Who's there? Least common denominator.

Oh, you mean country music.  On the one hand, music is much like art, subjective, and what right do I have to judge another's likes and dislikes.  On the other hand, Andy Warhol can suck it and I fucking hate country music.  Did I say hate cause I mean love.  Freudian tits!  Country music is so fresh, and not at all depressing, and I love it!  

I could use words like trite and kitsch to describe country, but I won't cause I don't know what they mean.  Asinine too.  But holy shit, I love the names!  George Strait.  Now there's a name that when you hear it, you think, man, I bet he's never sucked a cock in his life.  Which is ironic cause everyone says he is an asshole.  You thought I was gonna say cocksucker.  Psych!    

But the songs!  Every time I hear a song with the phrase 'little bitty,' 'ity bity,' or 'lil' bity,' or some other variation, I'm like, man, there can't possibly be one more country song that hooks with that phrase.  Wrong!  It's complete and udder cow cunt kicking genius.  And it's like listening to my life, in a song.   Just like the theme song for country music says.  See!?!  I was born too!  No fucking way!  Had some kids!  Fuck, didn't mean for that to happen!  Gonna grow old and die!  Shit, really!?  Can't I at least drink some beers, hate fags, and support our troops in the mean time?  Yes! 

FUCK I LOVE COUNTRY!!!

Quit hatin' on myBama fuckers

He makes more money than you.  He's the most powerful man in the world.  Bitches wanna get wit him.  He's black, he's prez, and you can't fucking handle it.

I totally stole this pic, but since I
typed two words over it
you can suck it

How fucking racist is it that I can type in 'pimp obama' into google pics and get like a hundred different results I can steal from, yet if I type in 'super trombone dog cunt' I get like, one pic that has to do with Obama.  Check son, if you don't like Obama, you are racist, plain and simple:

• Don't like ObamaCare------------------------->prolly cause you don't like black people. 
• Respectfully disagree with his policies?----------------------->RACIST! 
• There's, I don't know, "something about him that rubs you the wrong way?" -------------------------->really, really fucking racist.  So racist you should move to Arizona. 

Also, here:

So shuts the fuck up.



When Obama was elected, he didn't inherit America, he got a fucking turd whipped at his face drive-by.  Metaphor!  Remember that 'secret note' that GWB gave Obama when he left office?  Shit, I got a copy.  Read: 

Obi-

Burp!!!

Good fuckin' luck!

-Dubs

Next time you disagree with Obama, try not to be so racist, asshole.

The best ass you've ever had

Uh, I've had good ass.  Whatever.  If you want great ass, you're gonna have to diet.  Fuck exercise.  I don't mean exercise where you fuck, I mean just don't do it. 

Breakfast

Spam and eggs, 2 picked eggs on the side.  As much whole milk as you can drink.

 

Lunch

Spam sandwich on sourdough bread with sauerkraut.  While you're at it, slather that shit in mayonnaise.  And don't fucking call it 'maynis' either or I will digitally punch you in the asshole.  Pickled eggs for desert.  Chug the milk again. 

Supper

(or as the Nazis called it, Dinner) 

As above,  then drink some beers. 

Do this shit for like, a week or something*.  Then, like some kind of ogre gastro-magick, viola, welcome to the best ass you've ever had.  No shit.  Graciously sample your own particular bouquet; remember, waft gently, you smelly mother fucker.  Bless your roommate or significant other with your glorious swamp hole.  Hotbox or dutch oven?  Yes please!  Get it on video, email it to me, and I will furiously masturbate all over myself.  Also, stick your fart-ass over a jar and email it to su_madre@ymail.com, and I will surprise fart-rape my neighbor in the mouth.

* Or just eat at Taco Bell  

Dear Westboro Baptist Church

FROM:

• "Mary, Your Mother" <su_madre@ymail.com>

TO:

• "WBC" <admin@godhatesfags.com>

God hates that you don't send me money

Wednesday, April 6, 2011 3:37 PM

TO: 1 More1 recipient

CC: recipientsYou More

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Fellow Haters

Bravo.  I mean, really.  No kidding.  Everyone these days emphasizes the love aspect of the bible.  What?  Omni-benevolent my shaven taint.  God hates a lot of things, and I think it's finally time someone pointed this out.  Fags, yes, that's a given.  Gay marriage is disgusting; the thought of two homos loving each other and trying to make a monogamous, lifelong commitment under God or the state makes me want to puke.  I mean, come on, hetero marriage is bad enough.  Ish.  But God also hates so much more!  All non-Jews, for example.  No shit.  Women, not too fond of them.  But who is.  Other religions.  Duh.  What else...Esau, but he was just a bastard.  But there's also some things that God doesn't hate.  Slavery...nice!  Gotta get me some slaves.  Also genocide.  Rape, that's a good one.   

But the real reason I'm writing is my dog died, and I want you to protest his funeral 'cause I think he was a homo.  I mean, I'm not sure, but there were definitely signs.  Like he was really, really friendly.  Also he liked to hump on other boy dogs.  Gay animals are sooooo unnatural, as in a natural law, Thomas Aquinas sense.  I blame my gay god on our government and the liberal media.  Oops, did I say god?  I meant dog.  Dog.   

But the really real reason I'm writing is because as a fellow minister of hate, I'd like for you to donate money to my cause!  Some of it is in blog form, chalked full of bloggy hate goodness, but I also preach and do sermons multiple times a day, which usually consists of me either screaming out the open window to anyone getting in their cars, or me yelling at my wife.  But this shit don't come free, I need money.  Especially money tainted by hate.  Please email me some right away.  

Your Brother in Chris ,

Your Mother

Paul's Church of Satan and Chicken Hut (with drive thru)

P.S.  Fuck you. 

I want to be a Rockstar too

Advertise on my super blog!

From:	Your Mother <su_madre@ymail.com>  Add to Contacts
To:	"Dudes" info@rockstar69.com Thursday, March 31, 2011 11:26 PM

---

Dear dudes

I fricking love Rockstar.  It is the best thing since Red Bull.  I drink like 2 or 3 cans a day, and man do I get amped!  I mean, I'm sooooooooooooooo hooked.  It's like some kind of sweet, mediciny drug.  I don't care if it gives me chest palpitations or stomach pains, and I don't even care that I haven't taken a healthy crap in like three years, I love it!

I got this blog, right, it's super, and I love it! And I figure, why not take two things that I love and put them together, like some kind of drink-on-webpage love-it half-sandwich.  What I'm saying is, I would like for you to pay me.  Then I can talk up your awesome energy drink on my super blog, and dudes will all be like, "hey, I should buy some of that crap." 

But I will do it all incognito and stuff.  Be like, yeah I'll pretend not to like Rockstar like it sucks and is overpriced 'n junk, but with all my incessant name dropping, dudes will all be like, "man, gotta get me some Rockstar."  Genius!  Except if they think I'm talking about the movie Rock Star or Rockstar Games or even just some rock star, which could prolly get confusing. 

Super.  Please email me my first check right away.

Love,

Your Mother

Bonus!  Don't tell anyone, but I hate the gays and non-whites and everyone, like that one guy.  You know who I'm talking about....shhhh!

Mr. Trump, pay your mother.

FROM:

• Su Madre

TO: productinfo@trumpuniversity.com

 

email me my fucking check already

Tuesday, April 5, 2011 8:52 PM

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Mr. Trump

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.  Maybe I did, but if so why did you.  If you are so fucking rich, why don't you pay me already.  Asshole.  I can't be the apprentice you wanted.  Have him call me. 

Eat shit,

Your mother

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Knock knock. Who's there? Japan.

U:  How many dead Japanese does it take to fill an ocean.
M: A number of bodies where the volume of all bodies equals but does not exceed the capacity for said ocean, and all are citizens of Japan.   

Mutter:  Why did Japan cross the road.
Vater:  As a nation, Japan exists more as a semi-definite thought construct as opposed to a tangible material object, consisting of ancestrally held land and those who now make that land their home.  As such Japan does not have legs nor cross roads.

{insert riddle here where answer is Japan}

{insert answer here where riddle is your mother}

Is the death of 10,000 people more tragic than the death of one person?  Not if that one person's death is really fucking tragic and profitable.  Which is why I cared more about Jacko's death than Japan's.  Plus M.Jack was white and lived here, while Japanese have green hair and tentacles and who the fuck knows where they live. 

I, for one, am glad it's been more than two weeks since Japageddon, cause now I'm not being taunted by those tiny, obscure 'Help Japan' links that threaten to eat me with guilt.  And why give those green haired fuckers anything anyway, when I can easily spend that money on convenient shit I may or may not want to buy.  For example, I can instead peel my asshole off this chair, get my clothes back on, go outside, get in my car, drive five miles to Burger King, decide what I want, order it, get the order, drive away, look at my cheeseburger and realize they fucked up, drive back, wait in line five minutes to exchange the order, and blow through lights heading home as I snarf my burger, which is so, so much better than clicking on some button and giving someone with tentacles my five bucks.  King, you tease, you just gave me a food-on!

I'm so fucking sick of this.  Instead of continuing to make shit an issue, why don't we just take all those poor bastards and drop them off on some island in the Pacific and gawk at them?  Solution!

I don't want your money.

That's a lie.  I do want your money.  Q: why the fuck did I start this blog?  A: to get paid.  Why else would anyone even start a blog.  Turns out my dreams of riches have been dashed.  See, you can't get banners on your site if you have 'profanity.'  If I got paid, this entire fucking page could be flashing dancing banners for all I care. 

What the shit do fuckknucles have against a little bump and grind.  OMG, you swore, that's not funny or cool.  Fuck that.  93% of your mother's hilarity comes from straight up balls down profanity.  What the fuck else is there to writing shit?  Let's see, timing...guess what?  This is type, assflap.  Delivery...nope.  That leaves actual bonerfide good quality writing, and uh.....um, 9/11.  Remember that shit?  Yeah.  It's a scientific fact swearing is mo-funny.

Take this delightful sentence:

The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. 

Now take that exact same sentence, only add in profanity:

Nut hugging cunt nugget.

See?

And now this:

Balls.

That is funny in and of itself.



Fuck it.  Who wants stupid fucking ads anyway.  Have you ever even clicked on a banner that didn't have jiggling titties flopping hither and thither?  No, I didn't think so.  Go ahead, click on that Swiffer ad, it'll take you to a super neat place where they tell you all you need to know about Swiffer except the one thing you actually wanted to know which is THE FUCKING PRICE.  OMG you can even friend Swiffer on the facebook.  Score!