Your mother just blogged all over your face

Hello.  Hello?  What?  Hey, what are you doing?  Why?  Why is the door locked?  Fuck, leave me alone please.  Open the door.  Can't I have a few fucking minutes to myself, God!  Dammit open the door!  I'll be out in a few minutes!  Open the door or I...OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  How the fuck did you get the door open?!? OH MY GOD!!!  Leave me alone, it's not what it looks like!  Are you....blogging?  Yeah, that's right I have a blog ok?  I'm fucking blogging!  What the fuck does it matter, everyone does it!  Oh my God I don't even know you!  I wanna take it back, can't we just go back to before you knew I had a blog?  I don't think I...what the fuck is that?  Do you have a...space marine in your ass?  It helps my creativity. 

If you blog, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself. 

I like to have sex with children

's minds.  Hello, FBI!  Mindfuck, you might call it, though it should prolly be called mindrape, cause if kids knew what I was doing, they'd say, hey cut that out.  My dream job would be to work at Toys 'R Us, where I could carry out a veritable statutory mindrape-orgy, planting deep seeds of confusion and resentment that will last a lifetime:

                        

                                               Do you have Barbies?-

-There is no God. 

No, that's too cliche.

                                 Where's the Transformers at?-

-Optimus Prime's a homo.

                              What does that mean?-

-He puts 'it' in other boy robots' exhaust ports.

 

                                                                   Nuh-uh. Why does

                                                                   Megatron hate him then?-

                                     -Lover's quarrel. 

                   That's a bird silly!-

                                     -Shut up.

                                     Huh?-

Hey you,

do you have the Super Posh Spoiled Brat Mega Mansion?-

-Oh, that one is really expensive.  Your mommy decide to spend Daddy's money on that instead of removing her cancer?

 Mommy has caster?-

-Something like that. 
Which is prolly why
your Dad wants a divorce.                                                                         .............................-



Ah, c'est la creme de la creme of mindrape, when you fuck a kid's head so completely that they are left speechless.  Mental victory lap!

                Dude, uhhhhhh, where are the skateboards.-

-Is that a question?  Tell you what, why don't you just give me the $100, and I'll save you years of disappointment and pain and just beat you in your head, ass, and dick now.  Bonus!  I'll spit in your mouth and shit in your Emo-Bieber hair. 

                                                      Fuck you man.-

 Just to clarify, if you are 27, still live with your parents, and are shopping at a Toys 'R Us for a skateboard, you are a child to me. 

 

                             Hey, where the Lego Starwars at?-

-Who cares.  Don't you think it's absurd that some nerd wiped his ass with a script and now has more g's than the GDP of Malaysia, Tanzania, and the Congo combined?  God those prequels sucked ass.

You know, maybe you should stop- being such an overly critical asshole and appreciate the Star Wars saga for what it is.  You grew up with those old 'originals,' and your sentimentality towards them has biased your ability to watch the prequels without your overly inflated expectations.  The originals were just that, an original idea, groundbreaking, yet the script itself was mediocre, and the acting was sophomoric.  Just like the prequels, so par for the course jerkoff.  Also, your fly is

down, and stop trying to mindrape children. 

..................

Fuck this.  I quit.  

I made a Decapitator

For those of you who don't know what a Decapitator is, I'm sure as fuck not going to waste my time explaining.  Like I don't have shit to do.  It prolly would have taken me those last two sentences to explain, and I don't have that kind of time.  lalallalallalallalalallalallalalks lakjsdflkjslkdjfh asled fl;ae jfkljsda

Decapitator is one evil dude.  Chopping off heads is the least evil thing he does.  He also:

• Bums your last cigarette
• Teaches your child the wrong theory of creationism/evolution behind your back
• Is a registered member of the political party you hate
• Doesn't let you use his season ticks for a game that he knows he can't make anyway

What an asshole.  I hate you Decapitator.

Why waste a cheeseburger on hate

Not just a cheeseburger, but the new BK Double Stacker.  I could tell it was a Stacker from the delicious special Stacker Sauce splattered acrost my window, and I know it was a double because your fat fucking ass could never be filled by a single. Maybe two singles.  Not a triple though cause you still keep up the pretense that you are "on a diet," despite years of a alcohol soaked body maintenance down slide.

Why you gotta hate on a cheeseburger, man.  What the fuck did he ever do to you.  You know, he had dreams and aspirations and shit, but he gave up his childish wantings with the birth of his first child, got a job, and started providing for his family.  He worked all the time just to put some food on the table for his wife and four kids, and in the moments that he actually had to himself to relax, liked to chug a cold one or maybe throw a line in the water.  Now, after a passive aggressive impulse, everything's been shattered, and he has no idea how he's gonna provide, much less pay for his medical bills. 

His fucking guts are still all over my car.  Every time I see it, I think, man, what a waste.  And also, I should wash my car.      

It's not that I'm racist, it's just that you're not white

Racism is such an ugly word.  I prefer the term prejudice.  This is an uncanny ability based on cultural knowledge and funny stereotypes that lets us "pre-judge" qualities about people without the hassle of getting to know them.  Think about it, if you could pre-judge the stock market, you would be rich.  See, not such a bad thing, right?  With my awesome prejudiceness, I know that people from the south usually have a southern accent, and that pretend vampires are not real. 

In the 40k verse, I like to pre-judge my opponents based on the armies that they play. 

Space Marines----------------->usually has sex missionary style
Sisters of Battle---------------->lingering mommy issues
Tyranids----------------------->hates life and themselves
Dark Eldar--------------------->are pretend vampires
Non-Dark Eldar---------------->would rather be playing everquest
xxxChaos666------------------>uses evil as a cry for help
Tau----------------------------->01010001011110100101
Necrons------------------------>yes, would like to supersize that order
Orks---------------------------->hides inner defeat well
Imperial Guard------------------>prefers not to be called "captain dicksuck"
Other Imperium----------------->places way too much effort on being an individual

If you just stumbed on this blog randomly and you're all like, this guy is racist, and what the fuck is 40k, you are both right

Your mother...

Combining the self-loathing of a stand up comedian with the downward spiral of an apathetic rockstar.

Don't steal that either cause I just copyrighted it.  Fuckers.

Other things you should know about your mother:

1. Why do sweaty armpits smell like vaginas
2. Why am I constantly smelling and licking my armpit
3. If you call someone a noob you will get cancer cause you are fucking retarded
4. Why do orks walk like monkeys and talk like black people
5. The French stink, are lazy, rude and usually fucking ugly 
6. I am French or am I French
7. 11

Also, blowjobs.  The end.

Herpes. There, I said it

There are two and only two types of "people" who wargame:

1.  Those who cannot deal with reality, and
2.  Those who cannot deal with the fact that they cannot deal with reality

I am definitely the second.

And now this:

I have a canker sore the size of a hooker's knuckle on the root of my tongue.  At first I thought it was herpes or cancer, or the aids, but now I think I just pissed off the wrong god.  To give you an idea of how painful this motherfucker is, I would  rather have someone put out their cigarette on the head of my dick repeatedly than deal with this for another day.  I can't talk, and that makes my wife happy.  It blows my mind that "medical science," for all their progress in keeping old fuckers from pissing the bed and keeping shriveled dicks up, really have no idea what causes anything, including canker sores.  Just like headaches, they just don't fucking know, but here's their best guesses:

• Vitamin B deficiency
• Stress
• Family history?
• A bad hair day
• Leprechauns
• Burger King

Nope.  Fuck, and I suppose legally I have to say that Burger King has never been proven to give you canker sores, and because I want to get paid, I'll also say that The King is delicious in my mouth.

So how does your mother treat this?  Whiskey.  Like so many other things in life, canker sores are best cured by whiskey.  I'd soak this bitch in Everclear if I had some.  Which reminds me of the time I shot Everclear straight.  I think this is how it went....

(one minute before shooting Everclear) Hmm, I wonder what it would be like to shoot Everclear...
(five seconds after shooting it) Yeah, I shouldn't have done that. 

But I'd prolly do it again.  Like the time I ate a cigarette on a dare for 63 cents.  Or when I ate a habanero for a buck seventy-five.  That's right, your mother is a whore. 

I'm bored of this.  Time to medicate.

First, fuckers

What?

I started this blog because:

1.  I am full of myself.
2.  I deeply believe everyone needs to be aware of my thoughts.
3.  I like wargaming.

And just like that,
your mother popped this blog's cherry wider
than a Kardashian fuckhole.

That is all.  You are dismissed.